Skip to main content

What is grief but a farce?

Am I grieving? I can’t say I am. I am laughing as hard as I can and as often I can. I am nervous. I laugh easily, though not sure, entirely. I prefer my work over anything else, i.e. periodically calling my husband, chatting with my mum or dad or even meeting friends. I want to be busy. Right now I am writing to keep myself busy. I have furiously read three books back to back, hardly retaining most of it. Momentarily enjoyed their narratives and shed a tear or two where required.

I resorted to watching dumb Hindi soaps and poured out my time, and love for my canine friend. I keep assuaging myself I am physically fit, which I am, albeit overweight now. I am hyper. I react wildly to things that are of no consequence. For e.g. my husband eating up the chocolate bars I was so looking forward to. Was I, really? Not sure. However, angry I was. My hatred is stronger and so is my remorse.

I judge and I repent. Yet I refuse to forgive. Am I holding onto too much? Did it weigh her down?
I am not sleeping much either. I can’t. I can’t hold my thoughts for long. I have betrayed her. I can’t think of her in good light. I cannot think of her for long and I am not sending any blessings her way. 

Whenever I think of her unmarked grave, it’s hazy and I feel dead-sure that I won’t find her resting place. Right now it is not hurting as much as it should. I should have held her once.

I am fit as a fiddle. I am guilty. I killed her. Or maybe she simply died. Was it the rare Chinese food indulgence? My busy self at work? Or the long drives I insisted upon? Did I give up too soon? Was I more afraid of the pain I was going to be in? Was not convinced that I would be a good parent? 

Maybe I was too amused that she happened to me so easily. I never spoke to her enough. I never sang to her. I never bought the books or read as much as I meant to.

My over-analysis tired her of me.

I am jealous when I ask people about their kids. I am jealous when I see other little ones perfectly fine. How are they whole? So fine? She was whole too.

Introspection is not doing me any good. I cannot keep away from it even. Everything is a farce. Like my grief. They say I will move on. Time will heal. But why? I don’t want to heal. I want to hurt. I want to hurt badly. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I want to be a wreck.


I am unable to be so. One more inability to feel. My only wish is to be able to undo it all. 
Post a Comment

Read Related Posts

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Choicest picks...

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - my take

So I was not the biggest Harry Potter fan around but this way before I saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Yet still, I wasn’t crazy about the Potter mania like many I know are. However, watching Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows has compelled me to say otherwise. I am a fan and how!
Whenever one [me to be precise] hears about a great series as such, to be realised on the big screen, I am left with a twinge of disappointment. Harry Potter, on the other hand, is a series that is very rightly realised on celluloid as compared to the many literary masterpieces which have tasted dust.
So here is what I loved about the film:
From the very beginning the plot seems to creep up onto you. "These are dark times, there's no denying," said the Minister of Magic, Bill Nighy. Yes, this very sentence sums up the last book. 
To start with, the colour of the film, I mean the treatment, living up to the theme, is all gray, cold unlike the magnificent magical dining room at Hogwarts. H…
This is a 'nameless' post. I cannot bring myself to name it. If you ask me why, I could quickly crumble into a heap of tears (I don't care if this doesn't sound right!) and bawl my heart out. 
Remember my previous post about having a pet? Well, just my luck that my folks back home decided to finally give the nod to welcome a cute little Labrador pup. This was to be my sister's 25th birthday surprise and believe me when I say I was jealous for the very first time! I even ranted at my father saying he had to wait till I get married and then agree for a dog! Were they not listening when I begged for one as well? But not everything ends well, does it? We had the pup for a mere seven days. A cute little beige Labrador, we called Bolt. He was jumpy, nippy, cuddly and so much more. 
But god had different plans. Simply a week later the pup left us. Stopped breathing after a bout of ill health. Just when we thought he was recovering, he gave up. I wasn't around when they …

Animation films Part II

Animation has definitely come a long way and we know it and bare witness to it. But there is much more to animation and it's different forms way before Disney made Snow White. I have been fortunate in the past to have read and written about some of the masters.
In this post I will also talk about the ones I missed out on!
Animation is not just about bringing drawings to life. And the technique of 3D did not exactly exist then! This was way before computers were invented too. So read on...

Persepolis. I was really kicked about the film and loved the first half. Excellent narration and the b/w makes for the perfect setting! Marjane Satrapi's best!

Madagascar I &2 are both laugh riots. I like the way they move it...
Manny is absolutely adorable as is Diago and Sid. Awesome film and Scrat is the bestest!!!

Ari Folman is no animator yet Waltz with Bashir is a film par excellence. Sometimes animation is just a medium for brilliant storytelling and prove to be the best way to broach su…

A book review – Whispering Paths

The first time I interviewed someone for an assignment, the piece came back with a remark which read – ‘MOTS’ needs flesh, i.e. man on the street needs flesh! Whatever that meant, confusion was my first reaction to it. However, with writing and then rewriting the same assignment over, and over again, I realized that I had to add character or rather more ‘meat’ to the story. So what is my point here? I am trying to say that when someone asks me to read a new book or try a new author, I am generally wary of them. Why? Because I do not want to read through the book like a zombie because there is nothing (in terms of ‘meat) in its story or the characters!
But (There is always a catch, isn’t it?) Whispering Paths by Sneha Subramanian Kanta is different. Her debut publication has already put her in a league of writers who are out there to tell stories; stories that touch a chord deep within us and haunt us (in a good way) for time to come. Stories that a reader can relate to, feel the pain, …

Animation films Part I

This blog post is dedicated to my friend Vemana and Bharathy for they love animation films just like I do! I had long promised this to many of my twitter friends and finally I am putting this up today! Well, I of course cannot decide which animated movies are my favourite so I have just come up with a list of few must see films!

Lets start with Happy Feet! Happy indeed it was and made me extremely happy! Lol. I had the opportunity to watch it in the Dome theatre and the experience was just brilliant!

Now nothing beats this one! The Incredibles is one film I can watch over and over again and still look forward to watch it! Hahaha...awesome racy action and some cool moves...they are incredible! This is the first feature length animated film in the world! Walt Disney's Snow White is a masterpiece! They say this 2D animated film has so many frames that if you line up the paper drawings...it will go up to the moon! Absolutely delightful!
Awww...this was my first animated film in the theat…